Amnesia and Fried Rice Crackers
by Roxius
Summary: Omaeda accidentally causes Soifon to get amnesia, and now she thinks they've not only been childhood friends, but also that they're going to get married! NOT A SOIFON x OMAEDA FIC...I'M WAITING FOR DIFFERENT TIME TO WRITE ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE.
1. She Got Hit In The Head

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

I'll try to keep it more IC, too...okay? Also, despite what seems to be happening in this fic, it is NOT a Omaeda X Soifon fic AT ALL. I'll make another one of those at a different time...

...I'm, like, the first and only Omaeda fan EVER.

* * *

It was a rather boring day in Soul Society; only a few reports of dangerous Hollows came in to the Gotei 13, which was a rather rare event on any occasion. Since it seemed like they weren't going to be doing anything that day, Soifon forced Omaeda to practice his perfecting of wielding Gegetsuburi in its chained-ball form.

"Aww...taichou, do I really have to? It's such a pain, swinging this damn thing around..." Omaeda groaned.

"STOP COMPLAINING, YOU LAZY OAF!" Soifon snapped, hitting her lieutenant in the back of the head, "If you keep shirking your training andeat those stupid fried rice crackers all the time, you'll never be able to win! Don't you understand that?!"

Omaeda thought about what his superior had just told him. "Oh my god...you're right!" he gasped.

"I'M GLAD YOU FINALLY SEE THE LIGHT, YOU IDIOT! NOW...START SWINGING!!"

Omaeda nodded, andhe tossed the spiked ball into the air, wrapped his hands around the chain attached to it, and swung it in at 360 degrees as hard as he could. "RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

"SWING HARDER!" Soifon barked, standing about ten feet away from the big man.

"I'M...TRYING!"

"FASTER!"

"I SAID...I SAID I'M TRYING, DAMMIT!"

"YOU'RE NOT TRYING AT ALL! I'M RIGHT, AREN'T I?!!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!"

Suddenly, the chain slipped out of Omaeda's sweaty fingers, and the spiked ball was sent spiraling through the air straight for Soifon. Within a second or less, the ball smashed into Soifon's face, and she was sent flying backwards with a trail of blood flying from her nose. Then, she hit her head against the wall andslumped onto the ground.

Omaeda had a look of pure horror frozen on his face. "Oh...dear...lord...no..."

Glancing around nervously to make sure no one saw this incident occur, Omaeda rushed over to Soifon to make sure she wasn't dead. Obviously, she wasn't, but she was definitely unconscious; a trail of blood was rolling down the side of her face, although she looked pretty peaceful despite that fact.

"T-TAICHOU!! WAKE UP!!" Omaeda screamed, shaking Soifon violently. Unfortunately, it seemed he faced no success in waking her.

Sighing, Omaeda dropped her on the floor and clutched his head. "DAMMIT! THIS ISN'T GOOD! THIS ISN'T GOOD! THIS...ISN'T...GOOD!!! WHEN SHE WAKES UP, I'M GONNA BE IN SOOOOOOO MUCH TROUBLE!!! I FEEL LIKE I'LL DIE JUST THINKING ABOUT WHAT SHE'LL DO TO ME!!!"

"Ugh..."

"..."

"...O...Omaeda-kun...?"

Omaeda looked down, and saw Soifon was stirring. "AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

Sitting up, Soifon wiped the blood off her face and mumbled, "I'm...I'm bleeding...ah, well, that happens alot, I think...ugh...do you need to yell so loudly, Omaeda-kun? I'm right here..."

Omaeda nervously nodded his head up and down several times. "YES! YES! I HEAR YOU! I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU SAY! I SURE WILL! I'LL...I'LL..." he stopped speaking andthought for a second, "...Did you just call me 'Omaeda-kun'?"

Standing up, Soifon brushed herself off and replied, "Of course I called you 'Omaeda-kun'! That's your name, isn't it? We've been friends since we were kids!"

"We...we have?"

"Duh! Where's your mind today, silly? You and I made a pact that we would become top-ranked Soul Reapers together...and after so many years in the academy, we finally did it! Aren't you happy?!" Soifon explained, smiling brightly. Just seeing his CAPTAIN, his TAICHOU of all people, smiling like that made Omaeda almost feel like committing suicide.

'Dear god...she's smiling...hell is going to freeze over...I just know it...'

"Omaeda-kun...you're happy with this, right?" Soifon asked, a grim shadowing over her eyes all of the sudden.

"H-Huh? Oh, yes! Of course I'm happy! I'm very happy! You're happy, right? I'm VERY happy with my current position in life!"

Blushing, Soifon glance down at her feet and stammered, "W-Well, you...you didn't forget our other promise either, right?"

"Uh..." Omaeda tried to recall some sort of promise...and then he remembered he didn't even know Soifon until he became lieutenant of 2nd Division.

"The promise was...it was that we'd get married if we didn't find anyone by the time we're both 30. And...I think it's about that time." Soifon was still blushing and seemed completely unable to bring herself to look at Omaeda anymore.

Omaeda gasped for air like a fish out of water. 'M...M...M...MARRIED?!!! Taichou's an attractive girl and everything, but...I'm not interested in her AT ALL! OH MAN, I REALLY KNOCKED SOMETHING UP BAD WHEN I ACCIDENTALLY HIT HER IN THE HEAD!'

"...I...I need to think some things over first, Omaeda-kun...meet me back here tonight at 8 p.m., okay? Please...? I'll have made my final decision about what we should do by then, hopefully..." Soifon stated, and then without waiting for a reply she turned around and ran off in a hurry.

Blinking a few times, Omaeda tried to comprehend everything that was happening.

'Alright, let's do an overview here; Soifon thinks we've been friends since childhood...she thinks we made a promise to become Soul Reapers together...and she thinks we made another promise that we'd get married if we didn't find a suitable partner by the time we were both 30. It's weird, though...we're all over a thousand years old...geez, I really DID screw her up...oh, man...I need to do something about this, and fast! My future is at stake!'

Fear growing in his heart, Omaeda headed off to speak with some very wise consultants on the matter at hand...


	2. She Got Hit Again!

_5 p.m., 3 hours left until the "fateful" decision is made..._

After speaking non-stop to explain the current situation, Omaeda took in a deep breath of air and cried, "SO...WHAT SHOULD I DO?!!"

Three people surrounding him at the bar all lifted their individual bottles of beer and took long sips. Of all the people Omaeda could have gone to advice, he chose Mayuri Kurotsuchi, Byakuya Kuchiki and Gin Ichimaru.

"...This is all your fault, idiot." Mayuri snarled.

"I ALREADY KNOW THAT! I WANNA FIX THINGS AND MAKE UP FOR MY MISTAKES!"

"Wow...never expected I'd hear that from YOU of all people...you usually look for the easy way out..."

"YEAH, YEAH! WHATEVER! JUST...WHAT SHOULD I DO?!!"

"Well, she wants to marry you, huh," Gin Ichimaru spoke up, "Maybe...you should just go with the flow, y'know?"

"NO, I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T WANT TO MARRY HER!"

"What? Why the hell not? She's pretty low in the boobage-ranks, but still...she's kinda pretty." Gin replied.

"ARE YOU MAD?! SHE'S A PSYCHOTIC FEMINIST WITH AN ATTITUDE TO MATCH!" Omaeda snapped, "SHE'D TEAR OUT MY THROAT DURING SEX, I BET! BESIDES...SHE CAN DEFINITELY FIND SOMEONE BETTER THAN ME..."

Mayuri chuckled. "Ahh, so you're not such a dumbass after all...you want Soifon to be happy, huh?"

"Yeah...I do...I mean, she let me stay as her lieutenant, despite my blunders..."

"Oh, yeah. Makes you wonder why'd she do such a thing like that...maybe she really DOES want to marry you!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAGH?!!"

Unable to listen to this idiocy any longer, Byakuya slammed his hands on the table and exclaimed, "Omaeda, what we're trying to say is that you must take these matters into your own hands and learn how to deal with them yourself! You're not a child...obviously...and you should at least be smart enough to know what to do and make your own decisions without someone giving you orders! Are you a man...or a worm, Omaeda?! Which are you?! Tell me!"

Omaeda sighed and then put on a serious face. "Well...technically, I'm neither. I'm a Soul Reaper."

"HE DIDN'T GET WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SAY AT ALL!!!"

Suddenly, the bar doors swung open, and Matsumoto Rangiku and Nanao Ise ran inside, both of them out of breath.

"AH! IF IT ISN'T MAI WAIFU...I MEAN, MY DEAR FRIEND MATSUMOTO!" Gin exclaimed happily, doing a salute. He was truthfully a bit of a dork, this slit-eyed bastard.

Standing up, Byakuya asked, "What seems to be the trouble, my fair femme fatales?"

Wiping the sweat from her brow, Matsumoto cried, "It's bad! Really...really bad! Hitsugaya-taichou was balancing a brick on his head...when it fell off and smacked Soifon in the face."

"OH MY GOD!...IS SHE OKAY?!" Omaeda cried in horror.

"Err...well," Nanao interjected, "Uh...she's alive, in any case...but...I wouldn't really say that she's 'okay'..."

"HUH?"

Suddenly, the bar doors swung open again, and Soifon entered the room. However, she now had a large black afro, a big pair of shades...and she was butt-naked.

"HAI! I AM AZTEC ZELLY OF THE FIFTH GENERATION!!!" she announced, standing on her tip-toes, "COME YONDER, BARKISH MONKEYS OF WILD NORTHERN SPAIN, MY HOUSE IS OVER HITHER BY THE SOUTH BEAN TREE! TAI-DEE...HOOOOOOOOH!!"

Then, she ran out the door and disappeared as quickly as she had appeared. Everyone was left completely speechless by what they had just been unfortunate enough to witness, especially Omaeda.

After about a minute, however, Mayuri mustered up the courage to speak. "...Was she naked?"

"...YES!"

"...Did she have a big afro and ugly sunglasses?"

"...YES!"

"...Was she talking to me just then?"

"...POSSIBLY!!!"

Wiping away the blood pouring from his nose, Byakuya exclaimed, "WE NEED TO CATCH HER AND GET HER BACK TO NORMAL BEFORE A CRISIS OCCURS! COME...LET US HURRY!"

"What kind of crisis could she cause?"

"...I can't believe you're asking that question..."

"...AH, YOU'RE RIGHT! WE MUST MAKE HASTE!"

As the group rushed out of the bar, Gin chuckled and said to Omaeda, "Heh...looks like she's forgotten about the whole 'marriage' thing now...heh heh heh..."

"OH, JUST SHUT UP!" Omaeda snapped.

Looking around wildly in confusion, Nanao cried, "ARGH! WHERE DID THAT CRAZY BITCH GO?!!"

Suddenly, a high-pitched shriek broke the peaceful silence. Immediately, everyone recognized who it was that made such a scream: it was Yumichika!

Without a moment to lose, Byakuya, Omaeda and the rest ran as fast as they could in the direction of the scream, hoping they wouldn't be too late...


	3. I failed Again

A/N: This chapter is the final chapter!

Also, I just couldn't keep it In-Character anymore...it'd be too boring if I did. One more thing...I can't do this fic anymore either. I just can't fulfill peoples' standards when looking for a good Soifon fic. Sorry, but I just can't. She's too difficult of a character for me to make more than oneshots for.

Enjoy the crackiness, then....O_O

* * *

"GEEZ, I REALLY HOPE TAICHOU DIDN'T KILL YUMICHIKA OR SOMETHING!" Omaeda grunted under his breath.

"...Would it really be such a terrible loss?" Gin asked with a cocked eyebrow.

"WELL, I DEFINITELY DON'T NEED TAICHOU TO END UP IN JAIL!!!"

Turning the corner, the group finally found Yumichika; he was lying on the floor, apparently unconscious. He seemed relatively unhurt, but they would need a closer look to determine such a thing.

Suddenly, just as Byakuya reached down to touch his shoulder, Yumichika bounced right back up onto his feet.

"GWAAAAHH!" Clutching his chest, Byakuya fell backwards, but Mayuri quickly gave him his 'heart-attack' medicine and he was fine once again.

"Yumichika...are you...are you alright?" Omaeda asked cautiously; he had read once that insanity can spread like a disease.

"Huh? Oh...I'm fine. I just slipped." Yumichika replied, before walking off.

An awkward silence filled the air.

"WELL, THAT WAS STUPID." Mayuri snapped, kicking Omaeda in the butt for emphasis.

"I guess...he just fell or something." Byakuya sighed. He rubbed his forehead and started to walk away with the others.

Then, when everything seemed fine, Yumichika came running back towards them at full speed, with a crazed (and still nude) Soifon close behind.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! GET HER AWAY FROM MEEEEEE!!! HER HAIR IS SOOOOOOO OUT OF STYLE...AND SO IS RUNNING AROUND IN THE NUDE! SOMEONE, CALL THE FASHION POLICE!" Yumichika screeched.

"COOOOOOOOOME BACK!" Soifon howled, "I JUST WANNA...BUTTER YOUR TOAST!"

As the two figures zoomed past, Mayuri sighed and pulled out a walkie-talkie.

"Who ya gonna call?!" Gin exclaimed, hoping to make a 'Ghost Busters' joke.

"Don't be an idiot," Mayuri snapped, "I'm calling...Nemu 2.0!"

"N...NEMU 2.0?!!"

Mayuri nodded. "I've upgraded Nemu with all the latest Soul Reaper weaponry and technology! She's a frickin' female version of the Terminator now! She'll be able to knock out Soifon and stop her crazy antics no problem!"

"You sound pretty confident." Nanao remarked, adjusting her glasses as usual.

"Hmph! A scientist can't be successful if he isn't confident!" Mayuri boasted, and then he turned around and quickly whispered into the walkie-talkie.

'What a loser...' Gin and Nanao both thought at the same time.

Tossing the walkie-talkie to the side, Mayuri turned back to the group and announced, "Nemu 2.0 will be here in about three minutes!"

"THREE MINUTES?!!"

"Yes, three minutes. Tres minutos."

"ARGH!!"

Three minutes later, as Soifon was wrestling Yumichika to the ground and holding a pitchfork to his head (WHY WASN'T ANYONE HELPING HIM?!!), the wall nearby exploded, and a single figure walked in through the smoke and debris...

...it was Nemu, and she was dressed like Megaman.

"I am Nemu 2.0!" she announced, striking a cute pose.

"THAT'S...THAT'S NEMU 2.0?!!" Omaeda, Byakuya, Gin, Matsmoto, Nanao and Yumichika all exclaimed.

Mayuri did a little jig and barked, "ALRIGHT, NEMU 2.0, SHOW 'EM WHAT YOU CAN DO!!!"

Nemu nodded, and she aimed her power-cannon right at Soifon's back. "ADIOS...AMIGA."

"WAIT!" Mayuri exclaimed, "YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KILL HER!!!"

"WHAT?! THAT SUCKS!"

Soifon overheard, and immediately turned to face Nemu. "You are a bad worker for the Republic of Obama! I shall tear out the marsupial in your heart with my iron-plated toenails of love!" she proclaimed, and then her eyes began to glow with a dangerous light.

Nemu prepared to fire...but found herself unable to move! "What...what?!"

"Nemu, don't stare into her eyes," Mayuri cautioned, "Stare at her breasts instead!"

Nemu did as told. "BUT...BUT SHE'S TURNING ME ON!" she cried.

"THEN STARE AT SOMETHING ELSE, YOU STUPID BITCH!" Mayuri snapped in response.

Unable to take anymore of this idiocy, everyone left...except for Omaeda, who realized something rather shocking about himself.

"You know...she turns me on AS WELL!"

--

A/N: In the end, nothing happened. Again, it ends up being two failures at a fic with Soifon as a main character that lasts for more than 2 chapters. Unless I really planned for it to be more than 2 chapters, I can't really make it all the way. It's a problem, I know.

I JUST REALLY WANTED TO GET THIS FIC OUT OF MY WAY!!


End file.
